What not to say in the Art of Conversation

 found this article on Yahoo Singapore News and to share. 

The next time someone shares their struggles with you, this might be a good time to put these valuable tips into practice.  In response one is always encouraged to listen actively and to simply—and sincerely—say, “I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I'm here for you.”

We want to feel understood before we’ll accept help or advice

I believe that, in most situations, we want to feel understood before we receive any kind of assistance.

Reflecting on this, I realize that we often unintentionally say things that hurt or upset others, even though all we want to do is help them.

Here's  a list of 10 phrases that we should avoid using in conversation. 

1. “If I were you…”

You might say:

• “If I were you, I wouldn't take that job.”
• “If I were you, I wouldn't go to that restaurant.”
• “If I were you, I would be more careful about how I spend my money.”

Doesn't it annoy you when people say things like that?

If you use this phrase, it makes it seem as if you’re so much smarter and wiser than the other person. No one likes to feel dumb.

2. “I understand how you feel…”

Even if you've gone through a similar misfortune or ordeal, you don’t know exactly how the other person feels.

You may have lost a loved one or you may be suffering from the same illness, but the circumstances that the other person is facing aren’t precisely the same as what you’ve experienced.

3. “This is a valuable life lesson…”

This might be true, but it still isn’t a good idea to say this.

When others are experiencing sadness, pain or frustration, they don’t want to be told about all the wonderful life lessons there are to be learned, especially not at the moment of their greatest distress.

4. “I told you so…”

In my opinion, this is one of the most irritating phrases anyone could use.

All of us make mistakes, so don’t let your sense of self-righteousness or pride tempt you into saying “I told you so”.

5. “Here’s how you can solve your problem…”

Like Anne, when we tell others about our problems, we’re not primarily looking for solutions.

Most of the time, we’re looking for someone to empathize with us, to cry with us, and to share our frustrations.

Unless someone specifically asks for your advice, don’t give him or her your two cents’ worth.

And even when people ask for your advice, they’re typically just seeking validation for what they’ve already decided to do. Many times, they’re not actually asking for advice.

6. “Relax…”

It’s natural to say this to someone who has lost his or her temper, but using this phrase makes it seem as though that person had no right to become upset in the first place, which is upsetting in itself.

After all, emotions aren’t right or wrong. Emotions need to be managed, but telling someone to relax almost denies the legitimacy of those emotions.

7. “Calm down…”

Same reasoning as #6.

8. “Can I pick your brain about… ?”

When you say this, it’s as if you just want to make use of the other person and extract as much information as possible from him or her.

This phrase indicates that you aren’t seeing the other person as a person. Instead, you’re seeing him or her merely as a path to take you to where you want to go.

No one likes to feel as if they’re being made use of.

9. “No offense, but…”

What usually follows this phrase is unsolicited negative feedback.

For example:

• “No offense, but you’re naïve to think that.”
• “No offense, but that’s a silly way to solve this problem.”
• “No offense, but this business idea won’t work.”

When we say “No offense, but…” it’s typically because we feel a strong urge to express our opinion, and not so much because we genuinely care about the other person and his or her emotions.

Ironically, when we say “No offense, but…” it’s likely that we’re going to offend the other person.

10. “You don’t have to feel that way…”

Emotions can be deceptive.

You might feel unloved, even though there are plenty of people who care deeply about you.

You might feel fat, even though you’re in shape.

You might feel like a failure, even though you’ve achieved many successes.

Feelings don’t always represent the truth, but we can’t deny their existence. As such, when we tell others that they don’t have to feel a certain way, we invalidate their emotions.

In an indirect way, we’re telling them that their feelings don’t matter.

In closing…

In any conversation, it’s not what you say that matters; it’s what people hear.

We don’t just hear words. We experience them—through the lens of our past experiences, our biases, our mood, and our insecurities.

So let’s T.H.I.N.K. before we speak (I saw this acronym going around Facebook recently), by asking ourselves if what we’re about to say is:

• True
• Helpful
• Important
• Necessary
• Kind

If we don't T.H.I.N.K. before saying something, then we’d probably be better off biting our tongue and keeping our mouth shut.

By being conscious about the phrases we use—and avoid using, too—we’ll foster stronger relationships. This is vital because, as Dr. Scott Sticksel wisely noted, “Life is relationships. The rest is just details.”

Let’s get to work building those meaningful relationships!

Ref: https://sg.news.yahoo.com/blogs/singaporescene/don-t-10-phrases-conversation-030704662.html

TRUE POLITENESS

Many believe that politeness is but a mask worn in the world to conceal bad passions and impulses, and to make a show of possessing virtues not really existing in the heart; thus, that politeness is merely hypocrisy and dissimulation. Do not believe this; be certain that those who profess such a doctrine are practising themselves the deceit they condemn so much. Such people scout politeness, because, to be truly a lady, one must carry the principles into every circumstance of life, into the family circle, the most intimate friendship, and never forget to extend the gentle courtesies of life to every one. This they find too much trouble, and so deride the idea of being polite and call it deceitfulness.

True politeness is the language of a good heart, and those possessing that heart will never, under any circumstances, be rude. They may not enter a crowded saloon gracefully; they may be entirely ignorant of the forms of good society; they may be awkward at table, ungrammatical in speech; but they will never be heard speaking so as to wound the feelings of another; they will never be seen making others uncomfortable by seeking solely for their own personal convenience; they will always endeavour to set every one around them at ease; they will be self-sacrificing, friendly, unselfish; truly in word and deed, polite. Give to such a woman the knowledge of the forms and customs of society, teach her how best to show the gentle courtesies of life, and you have a lady, created by God, only indebted for the outward polish to the world.

Ref: Hartley F (2011) Lady's book of etiquette and manual of politeness G. W. COTTRELL, PUBLISHER:BOSTON.

Sprezzatura being effortlessly elegant.

Sprezzatura - It's an Italian word that first entered common parlance in the art world where it described 'a certain nonchalance, so as to conceal all art and make whatever one does or say appear to be without effort and almost any thought about it'.  It's basically the art of concealment, not looking like you spent hours getting ready even if you did or not.  This doesn't mean you should look sloppy and differs from shabby chic. It is the art of effortless elegance. This is where you follow the classic style rules colours, fabrics and fit. 

Today, I was reading an article that made me think of all my elegant role models and the one thing they all had in common. They were effortlessly elegant. They all made it look so easy it’s like it came naturally to them. Regardless, of the hours they spent slaving away in the kitchen, they came out not only with a delicious dish but they too looked immaculate.

Their makeup always looks flawless and effortless there’s no time of day that you will catch them not looking their best.

There’s this calmness about them. Even if they are well above vexed and about to explode inside they still managed to remain calm and manage a smile. To some this comes naturally to them, absolutely effortless. This is a skill I would love to possess however, for some of us it has to be acquired if not learned and revised time without number. Below are some tips that I have tried to bide by in my learnings, I thought to share.

                                                                            

How to be effortlessly elegant

Be self-contained/composed and always maintaining ones composure.

Being poised in not only a skill we all as ladies need to have, it is essential in our daily lives.  Having the wisdom of knowing when to reveal, talk, shout, let your anger get away with you. This does not call for pretence. Rather, just knowing what to say but most importantly when to say it. Being self –contained means knowing when to hold back.

You do not have to tell the whole world, how stressed you are, how sad you are, how hard you work, nor how your world just seems to always spin anti clockwise. Learning when and what to hold back at certain times and with certain people is the skill to master here. Do not pretend you are not busy, or pretend you are not angry, you are not stressed, nor does not make an effort in the kitchen nor to look good. It’s the power to refuse to get sympathy for the amount of work you put in, in your life. Instead hold your head up high and face your problems head on and deal with them to the best of your abilities.

I am not saying pretend you are fine while you let pain build within. It’s knowing when to talk to someone, who to talk to and about what, but most significantly at the right time.

There has been times in my life when it seemed I was literally problem hopping. Moving from one setback to another. Every time I met with a friend I had an ounce of good news and a ton of problems to share coupled with how busy my life seemed to have been. I hated getting sympathy from my friends as I thought the only image they could possibly have of me was that I was a basket case incapable of dealing with anything.

So I have learned not to burden my friends with how stressful my job is, or my life in general. I also found the less I complained about my life the better it got. A skill I am only after acquiring but takes a while to learn and perfect. Now if asked how I am, depending on who the person is, how genuinely interested the person asking me this is, where we are and what frame of mind I am at.  I would be more than happy to oblige with the details. Of course bearing in mind, you do not want your friend regretting why they ever bothered to ask in the first place. Most importantly, I prefer to listen to my friends.  More so ask them how they are as I believe certain setbacks in my life can wait.

“Our words reveal our refinements; they tell the discerning listener of the company we have kept; they are the hallmarks of education and culture”. - Dale Carnegie

Not having to prove yourself.

It’s not about proving how smart/clever you are, people can tell you are smart. They can tell how brave you are from how you have handled stressful situations and admire you for that. They can tell how hard you work from the fruit of your labour.

“Work hard in silence, let your success make the noise”

Being quietly confident. You know you are good at what you do without having people recognising/having to hear it from you, of your profound “greatness” at what you do. Let your work speak for itself. Effortless appearance and quite confidence puts people at ease amidst your company.

Looking your best at all times

Being effortlessly chic is not about showing people you have 0 problems in your life, but it’s about taking pride in your appearance. Elegance with you makeup, hair, and clothes let people see how beautiful and uniquely stylish you are, not how fashionable you are. Over doing it makes you look vain. Most people would argue fashion is a way to express oneself, which I do not even for a second oppose. However, I am of the view that, it is a much better option to look stylishly simple at the same time elegantly presented. Than the later. Don’t give people the impression that you are a vain woman by totally over doing it and looking exactly like the mannequins on shop windows, they are for display purposes only. Having the right balance is of essence here. Although, less is more, I do not propose being completely out of fashion either. People must be able to relate to you and not think your clothes/dressing code makes you look somewhat irrelevant to society. Standing out from the crowd for all the reasons attracts the wrong attention.

Hence, the need to everything balanced. You do not want to look too much nor so yesterday. There’s a need to have a certain amount of self-control and withholding abilities to appear effortlessly elegant. “There is a sort of appropriateness about being effortless”. This is not a mask that you have to put on to show you are completely stress free and did not put any effort in your appearance in the morning rather they should see it from you how effortless it all can came together. Looking like you tried too hard becomes contrived and defeats the purpose of the art of being effortlessly elegant. Henceforth, the importance is not to take all the fashion trends not too seriously just have fun styling your pieces to have a unique but yet fashionable look. The textures, the right colours and most significantly the right fit for you and your body shape is of essence here.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Disclaimer: I certify that is not entirely my work but a compilation of other resources obtained from my research.

AM BAAAAACCCCCCKKKK

So it's been more than a while and a lot of things have been happening. I decided not to blog for a while because I had loads of other life challenges to over come and in all honesty my hands were more than full. So we moved to two countries in a space of a year, then moved back home to Ireland yet again. Phew!!!!! that wasn't easy but it was amazing. I love travelling and this was the chance of a life time. Would have been more than stupid not to have taken it.

Sasa basi our blog is taking a whole new turn. We are changing our sense of being as you can see from the Blog name it's no longer Style 911 but Style 101. I thought it best to make this changes because I did not appreciate the tone the other tittle was taking. From now we will be looking at style as we always do but from a more of a personal style point of view, how to put together certain garments, and how to look and feel good. With time I will be posting my personal self. My recent make up and love affair with the kitchen after a long break up. Also,  I will be posting different recipes that I have braved. For I ain't no domestic goddess for sure hence getting this recipes right without dashing people food poisoning was more than a challenge. Coupled with that, Since I have taken it upon myself to learn and become a self taught Professional Makeup Artist on top of being (a full time Telecoms Researcher, getting to be Certified Project Manager, entrepreneur and writing my thesis  - on the solution to poverty in Sub - Saharan Africa being investment and not Aid)  I will be posting my classes (so far am on class number 4) and you guys can learn with me i must admit it is fun trying.

Let the fun begin.